


Atonements

by NoaVice



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Based on a Hebrew song, Before 13X05, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Sad Dean Winchester
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-16
Updated: 2017-11-16
Packaged: 2019-02-03 06:47:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 325
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12743154
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NoaVice/pseuds/NoaVice
Summary: Dean can’t sleep. He always sees Castiel when he shuts his eyes, so he just opens them.





	Atonements

**Author's Note:**

> Based on this song:  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k8GZxZOYQK8
> 
> Slichot (Atonements)  
> Words: Leah Goldberg  
> Melody: Oded Lerer  
> Singing: Yehudit Ravitz

Dean can’t sleep. He always sees Castiel when he shuts his eyes, so he just opens them. If he keeps his eyes shut, he has to confront the vision of Castiel’s lifeless body lying on the ground. He has to look at it, and with that, to look at himself - he is dead too, he died with Castiel. 

When Castiel was alive, Dean used to look at him. He cataloged everything: His eyelashes, his fingernails, every hair he could see on the parts of Castiel’s body that weren‘t under layers of clothes. He gave them names. He differentiated his smell, he smelled like resin and pine. Now he sees and smells it all when he shuts his eyes.

Dean sees Castiel’s body when he shuts his eyes, and he can see all the suffering, all the hardship and tortures he went through for them, for him. He knows Castiel did it all for him. He knew it even before Castiel told him so. He was the light in Castiel’s darkness, a white sail in a dark horizon.

Castiel always came back, but Dean was afraid. Dean never told Castiel that he was important to him, that he was his light too. He was afraid Castiel would leave, so he never asked him to stay. Now every time he shuts his eyes Castiel is back, but Dean just wants him to disappear so his could sleep. He begs Castiel to let him go, to let him let Castiel go. He doesn’t want to look at Castiel’s body in his mind and be reminded how he disappointed him time and time again. Castiel deserved better than that. 

Dean can’t sleep. He kneels at the side of his bed and hopes that when he’ll shut his eye he’ll see nothing. He hopes he’ll be able to pretend Castiel forgave him for all his mistakes even though he never apologized, because he is sorry. 

He is so, so sorry.


End file.
